the return of the sith
after vowing to not return to this exhibitionist world of blogging, i have broken the vow of silence and am now hear, hoping to get a little sense of me back again.
after all this time, of doing then dying at the thing i was doing, i've come full circle and realized that i derive an unhealthy sense of self-worth from what i do, instead of what i am. and i'm paying a hefty price for it - crumbling to bits when i'm rubbish at something, combusting when i 'fail'. it sounds like melodramatic tosh but i'm afraid i've dived into the pothold of insanity and mediocrity.
okay, so all you people out there tell me i have so much to be grateful for, so much to be proud of - but i doubt it. i have enough doubt to fill bedok reservoir and the power of that doubt has the destructive power of 10 nuclear bombs. i criticize, i wreck, i ravage any good, constructive thought about myself. and you tell me that i should find some worth in myself. how can i when there's essentially nothing to be proud of - nothing that i've done has been done to the best of my ability. i'm in a self-perpetuating cycle - i fear hardships, so i fail to climb, i fail to achieve. so in the end, i accomplish nothing and i mourn it at the end of the day.
i'm a sad, pathetic, empty shell. mid-life crisis at the age of 18 years, 5 months and 7 days old. yippe aye eh.
and i vowed not to be that way. i guess sometimes, no matter how hard i try to swim against the current of doubt, i get swept back in it.
i sound so angsty and emo - not at all how i am most of the time. i'm little miss sunshine, little miss random. okay, guess what - all that is a freaking farce, a hideous oversight of everyone. ya ? so get it straight, i'm manic, i'm scared, and i'm one big fat cross.
merry christmas to you and you and you.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...
Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...
Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
i don't want to imagine anymore - or else life just turns out so much more beautiful than it really is now. i'm deluging myself with scores of melancholy songs - they're in my head, my heart, my ears, my stodgy fries. i think i've had enough - i don't want to keep this open anymore. so, i think i'll say goodbye to you, you, you, all of you - i pluck a daffodil, blow the whisps off and wish you all well.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
they've watched you change from swaddling cloth to uniforms to working clothes. they knew everything about you when you were a baby - your likes and dislikes, the type of food you're allergic to, what kind of inconspicuous awards you've won. even the UK educator (anagram man) said so - 'ask you mother if you want to know what awards you've won over the years.' even when your best friends know your heart inside out, she can probably never ever remember what exactly you're allergic to.
the burden of being a parent is one of the heaviest in the world. imagine constantly being plagued by the thought of 'moulding the character and mind' of your offspring. one wrong habit that you commit in front of his impressionable little person is one wrong habit imprinted permanently in his character. he won't take any of your objections for an answer: 'what mummy did is wrong, don't do that!' Nor will he respond to innocuous threats: 'eat your vegetables or else your ears will grow long!' he apes your every trait, and amplifies your every fault. the spell-binding effect of your parentage leaves him with his unique package of character,personality and behaviour, so every parent has to be oh-so-vigilant about what they do and say.
i look at my parents and it is as though i am a mirror of them. i have my father's loyalty, and his social behaviour among friends; i have my mother's practicality, and long-suffering. i also have my father's impatience, and unwillingness to admit wrong; and i have my mother's detachedness from people and her practicality that often backfires on its positive uses. i wield these inheritances with a cherished, funny sort of pride. after all, after they are gone, when nothing else reminds but sooty ash and a black and white photograph, those are the things that remain of their legacy.
ronald said something that day: 'people have families because they want to create an environment of like-minded people.' (okay, something to that effect). it seems like an awfully unaltruistic reason to start a family, but i suppose that it wouldn't shock me if i knew someone who had a reason like that. i read the virgin blue by tracy chevalier - isabelle du moulin could find solace only in her daughter. her hope for a daughter who would be like her was so strong she named her marie after the virgin mary who she prayed to fervently, even when she was forced to take up protestant faith. she got her wish - marie grew up to be a tenacious girl with fiercer convictions that isabelle had. isabelle knew of the hard time marie would face, and sheltered her and protected her in any way she could. clearly, sometimes all people need is a kindred spirit, to embark on a quest with a similar soul.
in bio, we learn about binary fission and how the single-cell life form can undergo a self-splitting process to create an exponential increase in identical copies of itself. i suppose the task for the human race is the same - we always expect others to be like us, especially our children. after all they came from our seed, from inside us. but our feat is more challenging - we can try a life time to mollycoddle them, manipulate them, beg them, bribe them, coerce them to step seamlessly into our forms but to utter ruin of ourselves and to them as well.
in the end, i think we are not expected to understand our children, but we are expected to know them enough and raise them well to the benefit of society, to the glory of the family, to the pride of themselves. we are accountable to so many people to do a good job because the flip side of it would yield to darker, more dire straits.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
something swished, then disappeared
it was sunday and clarine was up on stage sharing about the pains of growing up. she read a short passage (self-written or adapted from somewhere) about growing up. with every deliberative sentence she read out, a part of me acknowledged the contentious meaning behind each, and something in side me smiled wanly, and melted in defeat.
growth is very much like play-doh. you get stretched out of proportion, moulded beyond boundaries, displayed for a moment for other people's pleasure, then mashed back again into an incomprehensible mass. the putty is no longer as hard as it was - its more malleable, taking on new forms is an acceptable metamorphosis.
growth is treated more like a lovely reward than what it really is: coming to terms with the blows of reality. its portentous longing is abhorent to anyone has already come of age. george bernard shaw said 'youth is wasted on the young', a view reiterated by robbie williams in a more lyrical manner. i think the sooner you come of age, the more you'll seize passing occurances by the neck, stangling the windows of oppurtunities till every last one has been wrung out. i suppose thats when ambitions become concrete instead of amorphous, and i'm beginning to feel that i'm on a road to nowhere in particular. nowhere marked with worldly success, because i'm not quite motivated by worldly successes anymore. i feel that my youth has been rather wasted by worldly pleasures - the internet, the outings with friends have all been very fine things to lease out my time on, but wouldnt it have been better to have used that time to perfect instead of collect skills? intensity over breadth, is what i have come to realise as key to being recognized as the mark of competancy and trustworthiness.
frivilous dreams and my whimsical nature - something swished then disappeared. i think the age of lace and foam have whizzed past rather fast; i must get used to the feel of steel and leather.
Monday, July 18, 2005
i hope we're over this
it was the single most heart-wrenching piece of news anyone has ever told me.
it was a hard time breathing.
i kept praying. and i'll keep praying.
i'm tired of feeling all this over and over, especially now, when i shouldn't be feeling such things. i should be in concentration camp.
i think i'm going to india. if i am, i'm missing prom. which means no mindless photo taking sessions with various dear friends, looking all pretty and lovely. (talking abt the girls here!!)
in due time, i will be feeling antsy about prelims, about SATs, about baptism, about S papers, about worship, and about the trip.
for now, i just want to fade into an oblivion of peace.
i never thought it would be this hard to live life. but i suppose that's why human beings are admirable at all.
as cruel and as morbid as this may sound, i just want to go back to last christmas, working my ass off for orientation, and laying in bed sick with that virus. it was nice being taken care of.
i've come to a decision: after my 18th birthday, i will no longer become a vegetable when i'm ill, with people cooking food for me. i have to climb out of the hellhole of laziness, somehow.
and now, for these messages:
buddy: aww! that's sad. aiya, call me next time. or do u not have my number anymore?
nico: haha. actually you can claim it anytime after school. uh, next month, okay?
zhen: oh! i signed up for the DIY one, haha. in case i go abroad for uni and my tap breaks, or my plug falls apart. :P
kerri: haha, i will. eventually. have to do it for a few people. am lazy, pardon me. uhms, it was alright! hurray!
rah: oh gosh, it was crazy-amazing seeing both of u that day. blessed relief.
mike: good for you - all the good ones were snapped up super quick. hahaha. wonder what you ended up with.
Friday, July 15, 2005
it's funny how my font size on my webpage grows from large to small when i scroll with my mouse.
i watched karen swim today. it was so effortless and graceful. she's my bronze fish goddess.so proud of her - she works so hard.
then, met dr william tan, in the flesh. with his paraplegic chair, which looks uber cool. (: i'm super inspired by his spirit, which is worthy of the energizer ad. the video, with the song 'reach' by gloria estefan tugged furiously at my heartstrings. his acts were admirable, astounding and simply superb. I, an able person with two working healthy (more or less) legs, have not even achieved half what he has.his medals and his achievements just show what he said in the papers: 'i may not have strong legs, but i have a strong mind.' his self-worth is intact, and more solid than mine has ever been. in fact, when i looked at his video, i realised that if i only just stopped doubting myself, i could have been somewhere. ah well, no point thinking about it now, i'll just work it!
on a side note, whenever someone says 'blah blah blah has encouraged my heart' or 'so-and-so has done blah blah to encourage my heart' every so often, i cringe inwardly and wished to my primary school english teacher that the phrase 'encourage the heart' should just rot rot rot. it's despicable.
civics elective. i think i'll be alone again. haha. ah well. who knows.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
the end of dh!
so my once a week must watch is finally off the air. what can i watch now?! oh, 'lost'.. okay, all's not lost. (pun intended, please laugh at my flaccid jokes, or else risk deflating lynn)
oh, just want to say that dh is such a delicious show, with an undelicious season finale. many may disagree but i was SO UNSATISFIED after mary alice's voice intoned the usual repetitive endings.
final words: from imdb.com, 'Eva Longoria who really regularly leads viewers into temptation. And please do not deliver us from Eva. (I'll move on before making a "rod and staff" joke.)'
Monday, July 11, 2005
i am increasingly more and more comforted by the presence of a radio. the more i have it in my room, the more i wonder what i did when my tv exploded after the emmy's in sec 4 and my radio was stolen from underneath the st nicks school model in sec 3. there was hardly any SOUND in my room. which was WHY, i slept so much in secondary school, especially in sec 4. so there's a good explanation for my long naps whenever xijie called me to chat.
i think it's not so much the radio's presence that's comforting but the radio station i tune in to: class 95. they bring a lot of childhood memories where i used to lie on my tummy and colour the figures in my colouring books with weird colours (like purple for the hair and green for the face), and with my brother studying so hard for all his exams, and with his lovely cooling fan above me blowing at my hair, and my legs in the air, and the radio PLAYING ALL THE MUSIC I HEARD ONCE BEFORE. so long ago! and it's just so tranquil, those times. no one bothering me, nothing disturbed me and i thought singapore was the entire world. (meaning no other countries existed - i think i didn't know what a country was. thought hougang was one country, and thompson plaza was the countryside and orchard road was new york or sth).
class 95 MAKES MY DAY. all i need in the morning to feel great and alive when i'm trying to wake up or change or put junk on my face and body is to switch my radio on and i listen to all the comical and common-sensed things discussed between the fd and glen ong, and when i was studying, i had vernetta lopez who is TOTALLY unannoying and extremely great to listen to (for a solo dj). and of course, the lovely jean danker who never fails to amaze me because seriously, she may sound like this sexbomb but she isn't because i think she's one of the greatest dj-celebrities singapore has ever known. many djs aren't celebrities but she has the illusive x-factor, and constantly undertakes a lot of projects. she never stays still in one spot!
i am mad. that is one of the simple pleasures of my room. i will embark on this project that will purge my room of all sinful worldly things, and transform it into a zen-like husk of peace that will comfort me and embrace me at the end of a tiring day. oh yes, the thought is lovely and i feel delirious.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
i am completely sure that physics will be the paper that will do me in. just like it did for my o levels. the only science to bag an a2. it's not so much the practising, but the lack of ability to handle those mind-boggling extra hard questions. gah-able, then you skip them, only to skip over the next few, and before you know it, half the paper has passed you by. oh glory !
Monday, June 27, 2005
okay,in the light of flavr savr tomatoes and the thought of bruised tomato skin, i shall write about bruising.
okay, actually, it's not cos of the damned tomatoes but because of the GIGANTIC bruise on my leg that is now itchy. it's splotchy, purple, green, yellow, red. and it was as swollen as a ripe tomato on the second day of its existence.
i was the captain of captain ball on the beach - i just KNEW i'm really not fated to play any kind of ball game. in my desperate attempt to get the ball (all attempts of that sort are desperate ones), i kind of knocked my thigh on the plastic chair, fell off the chair and onto the sand. i had this throbbing pain in my thigh and woke up the next morning and tada! gosh, it was the size of the north pole, and probably as ugly as me.
i mean it was a slight knock and it turned out so gruesome. and i realised i had another obscure bruise from goodness knows where. and ronald said i bruised really easily from all my dance trainings. like one small knock and i got bruises all over.
i just knew i would have another problem in exchange for natural insect resistance!!!!!
so on the next available date, i'm going to my sister in law for a blood test to check if everything's fine. i mean i'm getting a little worried, the bruise is taking very long to subside. and it's starting to ITCH. like hi, bruises don't swell till they're as large as an ant mound and hi, they don't ITCH. goodness.
great, now my left eye is twitching.
LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
chemical brothers, you helped in my time of need, when my face is a wreck of dead skin cells and horrible breakouts.
chemical brothers, the sting and the tears will carry me through from day till night, from waking breath, to first slumber snore.
chemical brothers, with the constant moisturizing and the agonizing pill popping, i implore you to dig me out of this facial dirge.
chemical brothers...oh bother.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
the lightest of flan touches the sky and swirls in the colour into the virgin morning sky. i miss that sight in the morning when i journey onwards to bishan.
it's more gorgeous to laze in bed, pressing silence into the obstinate nuisance of an alarm clock, ignoring deadlines and tiresomely persistant parents.
more gorgeous still to not have breakfast but brunch, thus skiving off unwanted calories. at my age, height is a more preferred change than width.
then i contend with the fact i am now 18 and despite the many bureaucratic nonsense i have to wait through, can apply to take my driver's theory test, wait a fortnight for it, and another after my test before getting a PDL so i can drive callously and carelessly on the singapore roads. YES! another insane woman driver who cuts across three lanes of zooming traffic into a slip road, endangering the lives of countless MPV drivers and SBS passengers.YIPPEEEEEEEE!
and i can drink. yum.
and i can get married. uh, i think.
and i can watch m-18 shows.
so why the hell do i have to take the A levels with all these small liberties scattered into my life? they're all little side distractions really, and the 'garment' is AWFULLY tricksy to tamper with my focus - oh gosh, they're gonna pay so bad. -rubs hands in glee. -sprays talcum powder into the air and watches the flakes glide harmlessly down.
Thursday, June 2, 2005
to the hardcore mugger
hey you, the hardcore mugger who comes by your by chance. i have a remedy for your dark circles and restless-for-fun dispirit!
Keeping the Dream Alive by Freiheit
Tonight the rain is falling
Full of memories of people and places
And while the past is calling
In my fantasy I remember their faces
The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we had to try
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
I hear myself recalling
Things you said to me
The night it all started
And still the rain is falling
Makes me feel the way
I felt when we parted
The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive
Thursday, June 2, 2005
the haunting notes of john mayer's 'clarity' just triggers off something in me - some pseudo-epiphany to enlighten me. i met the dear amanda darling yesterday for drinks. we felt like newbs surrounded by so many more working adults in acid bar last night. EIC was playing at acid bar and it was mr siva's band (the rj pe teacher, apparently.) and mr siva was away in bintam with the ccals. so too bad, i couldn't like go up to him and say 'heehaw i'm from RJC.'
the night out was really chilled out. i mean with two people, you can really have hyped up fun and chilled out fun cos it's both of you to set the mood, and it's easier to reach decisions about what you want to do. i love amanda! every outing we go on, we just reaffirm that we are uber similar, despite being raised in different backgrounds. we even have the same major flaws and our mannerisms are oddly somewhat alike. it's freaky. and we think about the same thing the same time too. i think the nexus of our friendship is really just because we were destined to be great friends, and the driving force just is cos we need someone to keep us in check and remind ourselves we're not the only ones in the world so misunderstood and strange.lol.
studying is strangely soothing! after i wade my way through an entire chunk of rambling words and strange sounding bacteria names, that is. when i'm studying, i moan, sigh, drum my fingers on the table cos it's frankly awfully tedious when you know you have 100 pages of bio notes (meaning information is ALREADY condensed for me!). sigh, moan, grunt, tap fingers.
2 Cor 14:8 for we must fix our eyes on not what is seen, but what is unseen. for what is unseen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal.
isiah 26:3 for You give perfect peace to those who put their purpose firm in You and have faith in You.
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
i watched the finale of 'the apprentice' and i was once again struck by the finality of the phrase 'you're fired.' the events, the arguments, the words will come to a dead halt and the judgement is eked out accordingly. this isn't the first time that i've realised how brutal the corporate world is, thank you very much. kelly encapsulates the word 'impressive'. from the get go, to the snippets of episodes i've seen, and from the tremendous outpour of praise and endorsements from topguns of the trade to the common man, he was the clear choice of many home viewers and trump industry men (and women) alike. there was the twinge of envy and admiration for kelly and other people like kelly: this brood of people who are so capable, so smart, so righteous - who can't be faulted no matter what they do - and who have other people's unwavering love and support - these are the people who i want to see succeed.i won't even hate them for rising to the top because they deserve it.
how many people, in reality, can actually boast of an immaculate academic record as well as possess the steel of character, wear the mantle of progressive initiative, and are constantly surrounded by a throng of wellwishers, friends and supporters? not many. they either possess one or another. to have all the attributes of a successful person takes one heck of an extraordinary guy or girl.
then i looked at myself and there was this wave of indescribable confusion as to whether i could be considered impressive or successful. i'm not inviting any comments from other people because i fear the remarks that might come my way and because i need to know for myself what i am lacking and what i have. i think there's so much refining to do, for me to be an impressive person, an impressive Christian, an impressive coworker, an impressive student. there's a lot of continual reconstruction, a lot of chipping away here and there, a lot of restarting all over, and a lot of unlearning. i guess just start out with humility and i will soon spy some vague rewards. (:
lots to do this hols! so little time!
Monday, May 30, 2005
i was thinking to myself the other day that they should bottle the scent of musty books. i opened my book cupboard the other day to search for 'the purpose driven life' and the smell that piqued my nose almost drove me delirious with delight. the smell of books, of knowledge, of endless hours curled up on the bed to find out the ending without peeking at the last pages...aromatherapy never faced better competition.
the love affair with books is far more intense than the engagement with film. with all the benefits of the visual feasts of film, nothing is far more thrilling than the long drawn out satisfaction of finishing a book, from cover to cover, from the very first word, to the hooks of the middle chunk, till the last period, and even after, where momentum carries you forward and you eagerly turn to the next few pages awaiting for more but realise to your dismay, they are but blank leafs of paper. i would always turn back and reread the last line, just to make sure, and for a moment i can taste the aftertaste of that very last sentence and my tongue twangs as though it were magnesium ribbon in acid. is it just me or am i just a tad obsessed?
SCHOOL'S OUT!the thought of the holiday depresses me because this will be a holiday like no other. on the one hand, it is our LAST OFFICIAL HOLIDAY AS SCHOOL CHILDREN UNDER FORMAL EDUCATION! on the other hand, it is the crucial make or break period before prelims which ushers in the ominous, surfeiting, repugnant and utterly ODIOUS a levels! THE JUNE HOLIDAYS. oh gads.
i ought to get cracking. REALLY. enough with the nagging parents, seriously. they're driving my ears berserk. they either raise their voices and pretend to be angry or else with silky nuances insinuate guilt in the efforts of emotional blackmail. i appreciate the effort, but stop stop stop. it is enough to drive ANYONE mad. and distract me to the point of unproductivity.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67% Male|
Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!|
Your Extroversion Profile:
|Assertiveness: Very High|
|Excitement Seeking: Medium|
|Activity Level: Low|
Your #1 Match: INFJ
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.|
Your #2 Match: ISFJ
You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.
A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways.
In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.
You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.
You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.|
this is freakily true.
Your Birthdate: May 19
Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path.
But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated.
A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life that may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life.
This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush.
You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.
You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.
You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well.
Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences.
The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married.
You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.
Monday, May 23, 2005
i read this in the gp infopack - 'solitude is good for the soul. discuss.' solitude saves me from the pack of nonsense that life deals out in a suit. i meander far from the thicket. but in that solitude, i also miss out the pounding presence of 'now'. mm, another lamentation? not quite, i've come to accept that part of me now.i think i used to categorize being extroverted and out-going a positive trait, but i guess as i grew older, i outgrew the whole 'make small talk and make many friends' phase, and just got more bothered about the friends i think are worth keeping. and the more time i spent out there, smiling, chatting, flitting about, the more tired i got, and the less time i got to spend doing the things i loved doing on my own.
i realise that i enjoy my own company quite a lot. like yesterday when i went to mustafa, i didn't talk for the whole time i was out.except for smsing people, (which i usually say in my head as i type. but that doesn't count as talking). and it was so pleasurable. and i could go wherever i wanted, without worrying about someone else beside me being bored or tired. i went, i decided, i held my own shit, i looked at stuff that interested me. and LINGERED for as long as i liked.. and it felt so BLOODY GOOD.
but solitude for me is good. perchance for other people, being removed from society drives them to very odd behaviour. but who knows, if i'm removed from society, i may just turn out that way too, deranged and a lunatic. solitude gives you funny ideas - man's wild ideas just tend to somehow run amok and imagination turns into atrocities. i think when people are left to their own thoughts, they just get obsessed about an idea and if they're bad (like sylvia plath's obsession with death), it affects their morals and ethics and behaviour and ends up with suicide, this neverending sense of escapism.
and solitude, just removes the faculty of sense! prissy told me that einstein made two doors for his cats to travel through his main door.one for his cat and one for the kitten. i think this comes with being obsessed about physics or quantas or relativity. sometimes its just ridiculous what geniuses come up with.
i won't say that solitude comes hand in hand with being lonely. lonely just means empty and unfulfilled. solitude's being 'sole', one, unos, the only one. but whenever i'm alone, i'm just so occupied with doing something which banishes all feelings of loneliness.
well, to all loners out there, i guess join the club. the lonely hearts club. hohhoh.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
shawn, smith and i went out for a little belated birthday lunch today at ps! woots. pasta mania, some tcc lava cake which blasted me to the MOOON! it's just so unnerving to have some chef concoct such a heavenly dish - where do they learn how to do that?!?! it's amazing. really really good and worth every penny. served in a totally drool-worthy manner! and it's really really stylo milo with that honeyed wafer sail over the icecream. the lava just oozed out ALL OVER. i swore when i first sliced into the cake. it spewed everywhere, uncontrollably. molten molten lava. oh gosh, i need more i need more. calories calories - my arse ballooning out as i'm sitting on my fat arse typing this!
thanks to the smith and the shawn for a lovely lunch. twas good to see the shawn boy after a long hiatus. (: he's so sweet with the pearlly. hohums.
met up with jesso darling and it was really really quite tranquil to sit there and bitch abt so-and-so, over the irish cream elephanccino. oh gosh, haha, jess is just this great figure to bitch to. hohhoh. (: yes hunny, that's your name there. larlarlar. happy days.
ahh, and finally some well spent time under the covers when i got home - air con,bimbo mag, intellectual book, the best mix of music. and dwelling in bohemia sounds awfully tempting. but i think i am too seeped in materialistic desires to ever forfeit them. at least for the current moment. who knows what the future holds.
hrrms, shaf's blog is enlightening. she was talking about couples who were too straight, spending too much time with each other and getting too dependent on each other. i guess i fall into that category and i guess it's quite irritating at times...it's a little depressing to know that i'm in that category though. like i'm so caught up in my little bubble of joy and unavoidably annoy other people who don't really like seeing both of us always around each other. it's hard though when we can never see each other outside of school cos of the parents,and the trainings and the homework and not talk to each other on the phone anymore cos of the parents. perhaps these are all rubbish excuses..i'm not sure. i never liked seeing couples excluding themselves to their own joys all the time last year actually. but now the tables are turned on me...and i have nothing to say..
for the now, some gilmore girls for perspective..
"I'm afraid, once your heart's involved it all comes out in moron."
Sunday, May 22, 2005
drat that awful white space on the right. why i keep the malfunctioning doodleboard up is a mystery even to myself. i am daft, i must learn to accept that. -draws in shaky breath.
anyways, i just wanted to say (although this is extremely delayed), a HUGE to shaf, grace, matin, ruimin, yangwei, shihui, lilian, khoo bird, samuel, quijun, clemie, shawn, karen, karl, victor, jess, smrits and evryone at the oteam hangout! and of course, to everyone who wished me happy birthday, and to adzfar and matin and ben chen who gave me friendster birthday testis. haha. which was a cool thing to get on ur birthday.
i went to mustafa centre today. it was a bewildering labarinth of mysterious signage and cramped pathways and obscure stairways to a totally unrelated section. it was so tiring shopping there! when i was browsing the stuff at the bottom row, i HAD to squat, but when i squat, my bags and butt takes up the entire passageway and the cashiers and salesgirls just had to scurry in and out when i was there with so much excess baggage so it started a horrendous cycle of squat, stand, shuffle, squat, stand, shuffle. mental note to self: no bringing of other shopping bags or heavy bag to mustafa. ever. the bulge is to hasslesome. (is there such a word?)
ladidums.oh gosh. another hectic 'out there' day again tmrw. when will i ever be left alone in my room to dream and know all the radio djs on class 95 by heart again?
1) call in to a radio station and make a dedication or win a contest. the 5 in 9 contest is VERY thrilling! and i was imagining myself winning the $1050 sum it snowballed to.
2) watch gillymore girlies! oh wonderful wonderful people who got me the season 1 dvd, may God bless you wonderfully!
3) learn to bake chocolate cake!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
sigh. so this is what it feels like to be 18. pretty crummy actually, this state of being. where being a child is no longer acceptable (when this happen? the shutting out of innocence..) and having sense and control reigns. although i resent being this way, i feel somehow justified. i always wanted to be taken seriously, but now when i am, i realise i'm getting growing up all wrong.
growing up's very tough i must say. it's quite worrying for me to realise that i have so much growing up to do. getting repeated comments that i am 'child-like' and 'immature', that i must start 'acting my age'.
i guess this comes with the sacrifice of vices and bad habits i've fallen into, like complaining, and being self-centred. all these have become unconscious and as of late, a pain to people around me. i really regret being the person i am - could i have turned out differently? i'm now ready to stop wondering about possibilities, and actually create realities. i need strength like i've never experienced before. strength to pull through all the difficulties of school, of young love, of responsibilities in life that will always be there, whether i like it or not. i realise more clearly than ever, that every action will go scrutinized in the world, and possibly criticised. i have to still learn how to let go of pleasing people because i'll never gain any ground that way. i have to relax sometimes, being uptight never got anyone that way. i'm trying to see things from other people's point of view, to not assume that my way is the right way. so many things i need to unlearn and relearn. it's going to be difficult!!!! oh dear me. no fear.
Friday, May 20, 2005
this is to distract me from my pain in my gut. ARGH.
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger (EEW!)
( ) hugged a stranger (unfortunately not. i think i should do that one day though.)
( ) been in a fist fight (haha. does that mean punching? i cant punch for nuts.)
( ) been arrested (i'm law abiding)
( ) done drugs
(x) Had alcohol [WHEEE! love it]
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose [hahaha. gross]
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator [yayy. luckily it didn't malfunction]
beenam in love
(x) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school [woops.]
(x) flashed someone [not intentionally. :P]
(x) saw a therapist [when i had the bad fall in sec 1]
(x) played spin the bottle [gah. moronic game]
(x) gotten stitches [hmms. 15cm long, 2inches wide gash.how could i not have gotten stitches?]
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour--or water
(x) bitten someone [oh my favourite past-time in sec 4]
(x) been to Disneyland [in Tokyo. i didn't understand what the cartoon characters in suits were saying thouh. ): ]
(x) gotten the chicken pox [a small scar on my nose to show for it!]
(x) kissed a member of the same sex[hehheh. incriminating photo out there somewhere.]
( ) crashed into a friend's car [can't even drive yet.]
(x) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back [ouch. -remembers gawky secondary school days]
( ) stolen something from your job
(x) gone on a blind date [blind mass date! worse!]
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras
(x) been to Europe [i NEED to go to france!]
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa -- capetown
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x)Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( )Been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet [haha. a lot]
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college/ poly
( ) graduated college/ poly [sigh. a few more months, mate.]
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself [thought about it though....]
( ) fired a gun [air rifle count?]
( ) purposely hurt yourself [eeeps! can't bear to]
(x ) taken painkillers
(x) miss someone right now [heart pain]
Sunday, May 8, 2005
i lay bare of everything i own and am in front of you. all my infirmities resonate- the ripples shock me a little more each day. i feel an area below my tummy jolt a little, the way it does when the lift stops abruptly, or when i know i'm about to fall down.a slight malaise then sets in,the yoke of a melancholia i can't quite shake off. i never knew the depth of my weaknesses till i met you, how inadequate, how imperfect i am.
i never could quite fathom how it would be like to be in love, truly in love, to witness my weaknesses in threadbare glory for shameful spectatorship, to have my life in such close scrutiny and yet accept it and make myself better for your sake. i've always been quite content to lurk in the shadows, to have someone glaze over my flaws and to fade into the woodwork. to be unnoticed was to be not criticised, to not be rejected - infinitely better than being unloved by people you want to be loved by. by noticing me, you've made me better. you keep saying i made you grow, but you forced me to change in ways i have always been scared to face up to. i'm such a little coward- but you've ignited that little bit in me that i would like to try to overcome my vices. all for you.
i'm really sorry for not being more than what i can be at this point of time. i really want to try harder but sometimes i don't know what to do.i get ever more dismayed when i realise that i can't be what you expect me to be, everytime i make a mistake i get into an uncontrollably depressed state. i realise my limits, and i realise that you realise them too. i then wonder 'do you despise me the way i despise myself? will you take off on me the way i took off on you?' i take a long time to climb of these moods, so i just shove it off, in the face of the mundane chores i have to do. don't let me climb into that place, because i might not come out of it.
Sunday, May 1, 2005
forgive me for not being in your life
we should take a stroll in someone else's shoes now and then.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
i really wonder why i am so indifferent sometimes. sometimes, i just feel like i want to listen to everything people have to say, and sometimes i don't. it's frankly rather discouraging to feel so nonchalant about every darn thing. to not care would probably be the worst feeling in the world, and worse still, i don't care that it is.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
one heck of a security guard, a long rant and steven lim!
i'm a hypocrite! i am a rather bureaucratic person, but i just encountered one hyper-bureaucratic security guard who refused me and ronald into my ALMA MATER.it is unpleasant to encounter such a rigid person, i must admit. i must work on this flaw.BUT it is just frankly RIDICULOUS for an old girl to write into the school to enter! miss choo is bent on wiping our lee poh see's legacy i tell you. she is just so bitter in her spinsterhood and that her words turn into naggings and fall on batch after batch of deaf ears and that she is a truly forgettable educator. FORGETTABLE OLD HAG. i truly hate her for the awful shades she painted my dear old school, for putting up so much red tape, for barring me from enjoying school food, and for being so darn bottom-line. dear God, please please, i need this bitterness towards her to just dissipate quickly, or else i'll turn into her - slowly but inevitably. she is stripping us of important values that st nicks girls usually take away with them after graduation. no hint of the carriage, of the vivacity any longer - we are just another institution of ah lians. i dont think the students in st nicks have that same warm family spirit anymore, nor do they truly appreciate and love the school spirit, nor do they practice eloquency and graciousness in their behaviour. all i see these days are eyesores or nerdy girls, even when they're sec four. nothing special, just another stereotypical IJ girl.short skirts, low belts, dyed untied hair, sports shoes, no visible sock, with the grungy slouch accompanied with all the above.
i love my school. st nicks taught me so much and i think st nicks girls are just fantastic to know and have as friends because of their generousity of spirit, for their selflessness, for always ALWAYS caring about their friends (not just their good friends), for their spontaneity, their sense of fun and their wicked sense of humour; for their street-wisdom, for their acute sense of doing 'just enough', and for the carefree air they have around them; for eloquence, for maturity, for compassion, for appreciating every single rung of society.. i will never forget the close friends i have from st nicks. they're truly one of a kind and i think experiences in st nicks are just indelible, engraved so deeply into our fibre of being. oh st nicks, i long for your FOOD.and the teachers, the windchimes, the smelly toilets, the wonderfully red track.
okay, i am just too angsty. but i love my school too darn much.
anyway, got approached by the one and only steven lim, whose claim to fame is shared between being a street eyebrow-plucker and being the yellow underwear-half nude man on singapore idol. he was extremely earnest and has intriguingly thick eyebrows. he opens his eyes extra large at regular intervals to punctuate his persuasions to let him pluck my eyebrows.
'you know why i approach you? cos you're very beautiful. but to enhance your beauty even more, please please let me pluck your eyebrows, it will make you look even more cute. see you smile until very cute leh, miss. i'm very famous one, for my skill, see!'
he proceeds to show off a laminated double-sided selection of 2 newspaper articles about him, complete with pictures, and goes on to quote about his appearance on get real - 'i was on get real you know, the one with diana ser you know, yah, so i'm quite famous and i'm really very passionate and sincere (my gosh, that word came up a lot) about plucking eye brows. please please let me pluck your eyebrows. support local talent miss, it's only 10 dollars for two eyebrows (you mean it's 15 for three?), and you only pay after cos if you're not satisfied then i won't keep your money one la hor...(i mean, if i'm not satisfied i'll live miserable for three months, and he just loses 10 bucks. hmm...something's a little wrong here with this equation.)."
he ends off with a plea to visit his website: http://www.stevenlim.net and he even prepared the address by writing on the laminated articles. oh goodness gracious me. he waved and said 'must come back hor.'
oh my. interesting day.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
the telephone rings so quiet and cold
my room is losing its warmth - i haven't spent much time in it just lazing and thinking and reading for quite some time. extremely hotel-like. i resent it, but i am aware that i cannot help the situation i am in because it is by MY choice only. i'm getting a bit distressed. right now, i'm quite stinky from dance and very dirty, but i MUST write or else my blog will possibly disintegrate into lulling dullness.
dance dance dance, haven't had dance dominate my life for quite a long time. frankly, i enjoy it, the tiredness and immense, irreplaceable satisfaction of calorie-burning. (calory looks like it's a name, doesn't it?) just really wish my feet were not so deformed. something went wrong in my gene coding, somewhere, somehow, and i just wish so so hard that i had perfect dancer build, and finally just for once, be good at something i really enjoy. the thought that plagues me at this moment is how mediocrity goes so unnoticed to the point that it's more frustrating than being exceptional or being lousy. because, being lousy, you have nowhere to go except being static or improving and if you really bother trying, you do improve. but, on middle ground, you are wedged between the next person and the one before you, sad and small.
but, beggars can't be choosers, and i'm so glad that God gave me feet so i can dance and enjoy it. and i'm so glad for all my 5 senses, although sometimes they aren't in tip-top shape. well, there must be a median, and i am IT, baby! i can just console myself that writing can be my one and only unadulterated, thoroughly pleasurable thing that is TRULY exclusive and thus, i am elevated to the goddess i long to be when i write. hawhaw. so hiphiphurray for being able to write! -waves pencil and paper feebly.
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
You must grow on your own! ,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
i need YOU
feeling more and more overwhelmed by the sheaves of paper strewn about my room, in the coming of the commons. the doom has painted my room a rather blue shade of melancholy and the music in my room has taken a turn for the soft-rock-and-introspectve, the usher bop and keys pipes shelved away for the moments of sheer nerd anxiety.
He really matters a lot in my life, as my stress levels continue to mount to a never-quite-there-plateau before increasing more and more with each word my roving eye devours. i cry during prayers now, something that i only do when i feel desperate, when things get so hard and everything's clogged in my throat. the only times i feel happy in my house, in my quaint yellow room is when i'm lost in the pages of a book, and even then, my mind chugs on relentlessly, trying to understand the written logical reasonings; then with the digestion of these words, try to formulate posits that are substantial to justify my still-there intelligence. i guess i haven't gotten over my brain-damage dream.
Thank God my biggest concern are exams and doing well, and not a struggle for my emancipation against ridicule. On a sidenote, lodging a protest will be HIGHLY exciting and extremely invigorating. witnessing a protest in singapore! what a dream.
i'm walking the thin line between insanity and boredom now; perhaps it is best to take me away from my thoughts and my so-called relaxing hobbies because it is from there i derive my insanity; but not so wise to take reading away from me, otherwise my boredom will burgeon into another problem of decadence of the mind.
at this juncture, i'm reminded of chocolate decadence - i believe it's a treat from hagen dazs (lynnsums has not been getting out much.and even if she has, details just glaze over), no? i need chocolate. but i don't need more fat. adipose cells are already saturated, thank you. -curtseys. -sashays off casually to munch on carrots.
this maelstrom of petty worries is just situated in such an inimical locale of my LIFE. just bug off already. i have ENOUGH ON MY MIND, without a bombardment of more burdens. sadly, these burdens are just burdens of a schizophrenic mind. and brought on by inhibition and reservation. forgive me one and all if i have not been myself. tskie tskie to me and you and to my puppies.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
things that annoy me
the feeling of lethargy i get when i actually don't want to be lethargic around people, and i really CANNOT help feeling that way. i really just want to find something interesting to say in reply, but it's so much less tiring to just sit there and listen and be a wallflower.
my doodleboard. it's white, ugly and blank.
getting pang sehed by people in general. makes me feel chucked aside. getting that feeling more and more. i'm fearing the possible future of being a recluse and i'm getting extremely grumpy.
my rusty brain that fails during tests, and works only after and before.
parents nagging me to study all the frigging time!!!!! GAH. like, hi, i have a life you know. okay, actually, i don't mind the nagging...hmmm...
OCS guy who was supposed to view dance item today, but ditched us last minute. so i had to make matin and jess wait for me. and reschedule with lizhen. and I WASTED MY PHONE BILL.
wasting my phone bill.
feeling fat after eating a meal.
confirming that i am fat after i have felt fat.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
this is my first time watching the fourth batch of american idols perform.
OH MY! he looks so peaceful when he sings as though the words and the tune just flow right out of his soul, he does not sing with his mouth, every note rings with love, peace, soap suds, tender sorrow. pitch perfect because the song is untainted with sign of desire for fame or glory. he looks like nothing ever fazes him; no hurt grazes his serenity and nothing ever bothers him. to have that peace, an eternal spring of joy...that is what i long to have.
Tuesday, March 8, 2005
a life transformed in righteousness
i miss my best friend very terribly. we've been separated for so long and in that absence, so many events have happened. it seems unbelievable that we don't even have a clue how each other is doing!!!! it's incredibly strange. we don't even talk now and i miss her. i wonder what she's intending to do for her A levels. i wonder if she wants to go to Las Vegas like we planned in sec four, with me after the A levels. and i wonder whether she still is the same. i suppose she will always be quintessentially amanda, but still, i wonder what has changed.
time changes people in small ways.
happy first month to me, happy first month to you. good luck all J2s who stumble ungainly past this doodle-board-less page, for all your SPAs and common test. think not about the stellar grades and incredible legacy our immediate seniors left behind callously for us. seriously, don't let the pressure bug you.
oh, i'm feeling quite pleased at how i'm steadily improving in my understanding of chemistry, biology and physics. at least i'm not as bo chup as i was last year. it is an AMAZING improvement. at least now when i don't ask questions in class, it's not because i have no interest in whatever the teacher says but it's because i truly understand. i feel so ohm. omnipotent and sagely, like my true intellectual self. my selffar said i looked odd with my spectacles - very bookish. but cleo says that spectacles are sexy because of the associations with various types of women like sexy secretary, powerful and capable business etc.. i choose to believe that i look like a dork, like a plain ole schoolgirl. and when i hug my file so tight, i feel like i'm bcak in that ole faded blue uniform, with belt sitting snug on my almost-waist, and socks above my ankles, golden badge flashing 45 degrees to the diagonal of my tie. my face was a little rounder, my eyes always hidden behind my spectacles then. time has worn away some of that awkward, in-between uncertainty, but i remain more or less intact.
oh golly gosh, how i have fluttered so far from my second home.
you can fly so high
keep your gaze upon the sky..
i'll be praying every step along the way..
even though it breaks my heart to know
we'll be so far apart...
i love you too much to make you stay...
baby, fly away
keep singing random song one-liners. it's a habit i must break. it drives me and the people around me berserk and rjc does not need more mentally unsound people on the loose.
Tuesday, March 8, 2005
through the artist's eyes
to be in a disney animation would be simply DIVINE. to get a few lines, curves and shadings as a depiction of me would be very interesting. how do artists decide how to depict someone? caricatures are awfully intriguing - how do the caricaturists decide which expression, or feature to embellish? and do they mean a thing?
on a sidenote, i find those couple-y sculptures sold at trolleys extremely hideous. there is one parked just outside the border of cartel and coffee bean in j8. and they sort of nauseate me. how can anyone stand to see themselves, so cellulite-lumpy (even in the face), with goggly eyes and with nobbly noses with their significant other?! distasteful - it has occured to put this in shafia's black book.
my blood curdles as the acidic itch of the sunday afternoon disease sets in. abstaining from gilmore girls has disastrous effects on the mind - no witty banter, no girlish company, no make-believe fantasies in my mind about my future daughter (who will be called pansy.)(no i'm joking.) i am clearly not a telephiliac anymore. (telephilia - an affliction with reality television shows. there's a tie for telephiliac of the century between xijie and michael quilindo).i've given up trying to watch american idol and the apprentice and simple life and survivor.perhaps the urge to watch televised politics and stupidity will swell again, but for now, the wave has ebbed to faraway shores.
how does one decide direction for a piece of art anyhow? choreography - to dictate what sort of emotions will well up within closed eyelids of the audience. flow - to breathe as concentration of the audiences sinks and rises. aftertaste - cloying or light sprinkling? i admire artists and directors who come to a definitive decision about this. to stage periodicals. i am left heavy with inspiration one moment, and robbed barren the next like the unreasonable monsoon weather and the wake of almost-drought it leaves behind. how do they continually churn out ideas, different distinct ideas?
mm..i'm still praying for God to illuminate the right path, to steer me gradually with promptings to the plan he has already mapped so carefully for me. dreams are delectable because they never quite get fulfilled at this point in time. they're still dwelling in the quiet crook of tomorrow's coat crease. i'll wait for its unfolding in due time. patience will rock me to sleep tonight, as it should every night.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
give your heart and soul to me
the most normal of things to me are simply not to other people. to have 2 brothers obscenely much older than i am, to have them already married, to have a nephew, and another on the way - these are all things of no surprise to me. i live with them, grew up with them. i lived in a house of no food wars, no vicious bite marks, no one to borrow away any of my possessions. and also, no sibling to draw close to. can you imagine speaking to your brother, 13 years older, about having a crush? i tried once, he flinched and dismissed it awkwardly. it was as painful to behold that as he probably felt.
i'm still trying to decide if i am a lonely person, with the absence of quibbling siblings in my home. i suppose i sort of grew up with solitude as my best friend, preferring to do things on my own because no one else was there to accompany me on great escapades down the hill, to the other side of the world. which is why i don't speak when i'm doing my work, that i get annoyed when i get disturbed halfway, that i tend to ignore anyone who is around me. i grew accustomed to the sound of no one around.
the only hitch is that up till today, i don't really know how to deal with people under certain circumstances. like, how do i comfort a crying person? how do i cheer someone up? i do these things on my own all the time.i usually stand helplessly by the person, with periodical abrupt pats on the back, feeling unwanted in the wake of the tears and morose. i turn to God in prayer to alleviate the pressure that builds in my throat, my eyes, my heart. i sing quaveringly. these things i do on my own. no amount of comfort from other people can make me stop my crying. so do people actually want to hear from me when they're lost in their own grief? do they actually need a hug, or do they want me to scoot so they can finally have a moment's peace.
the truth eludes me, and everyone has different preferences. but is there a general solution, more or less?
this is all senseless pondering of a greatly bored mind. don't mind me. this is my space afterall.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Purify My Heart
purify my heart, let me be as gold and precious silver
purify my heart, let me be as gold, pure gold
You are my heart's desire
i want to be holy
set apart for You...
i need to be holy
set apart for You, my God...
such a splendid song for the glory of Your name. the words are so simple but they really come from my heart.
Friday, February 25, 2005